i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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