you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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