I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
