You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
