You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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