Moan for me like Helen Keller
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
