a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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