Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
