i may or may not be watching the land before time
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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