seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
