He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
