Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
