do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
