Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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