Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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