You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
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Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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