i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
