I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
