im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
