last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
