And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You made out with two different species that night
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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