U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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