I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
