the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
