I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
where am i from again
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
