I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
