I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
organizing the empties. That sober.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
