My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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