RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
