my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
