I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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