Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
