I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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