so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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