In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
