dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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