Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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