My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
