This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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