Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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