Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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