I just saw a hot homeless man
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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