I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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