so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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