Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
