You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
