Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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