I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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