Pants 0. Shit 1.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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