I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
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Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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