ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
