I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Randomize
