I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
