I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...