Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
this will be a night to untag.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
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Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts