Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
