youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
