you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
