Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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