So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Randomize
